Wednesday, March 6, 2013

If Marco Rubio had a dating profile....

Good afternoon, since it's a snow day and all, here's what Marco Rubio's E-Harmony profile might look like.

Marco, 41, West-Miami

Height: 5'9"  Weight: 170  Hair: Brown  Eyes: Brown

The one thing I am most passionate about:

America -- the land of the free (Denny's on your birthday) and the home of the brave (Lindsey Graham and myself).

America -- from the mountains to the prairies (woohoo, red states!) to the oceans (Florida has two -- kind of) white with foam (again, Florida kind of has two oceans. Look it up).

I'm also passionate about immigration reform. My parents swam to America from Cuba. They jumped into the ocean while Fidel Castro's men shot arrows at them. Communist sharks chased us, but when we got within 30 miles of the Florida shore, the smell of freedom drove the Communist sharks away.

We started building a better life for ourselves. Democrats tried to stop us. One day Gov. Lawton Chiles invited the Property Brothers to our house, but instead of fixing it, they razed it to the ground. So my parents and I, with no money, called up Al Cardenas who was building a commune for conservatives who'd fled from Communism. That's where I met Jeb Bush. He said I needed education, so Karl Rove came and taught me math. My favorite color has always been purple.

Just me at home :)

The most important thing I am looking for in a person:

I am looking for a woman who is not like my friend Jeb's wife. If you and I meet over coffee, I will tell you more about her, but she's pretty much like Howard Hughes.

She hates people, she hates politics, and scuttles presidential runs. Btw, would you ever scuttle a presidential run? Not like I'm looking to be president. I just think the question "would you scuttle a presidential run" is a proxy for things that ARE important to ask like "If we only have $20 in our budget for entertainment, do we get the full Netflix package or just streaming?" That's why I ask all my dates if they'd scuttle a presidential run.

The most influential person in my life has been:

Until about four days ago, I would have said my friend, Jeb.

The three things which I am most thankful for:

Again, until about four days ago, I would have said my friend Jeb.

But instead, I'm replacing him with a Nerf football. Nerf football, you say, is that really one of the things you're most thankful for? No, but it's just a way for me to say "A Nerf football means more to me now than Jeb."

Can I cook you an egg ;)

Three of my best life-skills are:

Giving speeches. But don't expect too much -- it's hard to give a good, first-date speech at Panera. If we order enough things, I might be able to get into a groove, especially if there's a line behind us. The more people, the better my speeches. But again, it's hard to give a good speech at Panera. Not impossible, but hard.

Something else I'm good at? Pranks. I used to walk into the Florida GOP's office, talk with the staff, and say I was becoming a Democrat. They'd lose their brunch. I used to do this once or twice a month, and still got them every time. I know it sounds weird, but if you meet me, you'll understand.

The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me:

I'm honestly forty-one years old and constitutionally eligible to be president, even though I look chronically and unnaturally young just like your Yahoo Avatar. Just don't think of me as your Yahoo avatar, even though now that I've said it, you do realize I look a lot like your Yahoo Avatar.

The things I can't live without are:

Vacations in Myrtle Beach
Snuggling in a cozy Ashland cottage
Taking long walks through cornfields in Iowa
Kissing while Tupac plays softly in the background

The first thing people notice about me:

I'm pretty easy to look at and have great character -- like if the ugly duckling were born beautiful. I step on a Pete Orszag pelt every time I look in the mirror. Btw, if you're a kid and someone starts telling you the story about the ugly duckling, you're pretty much screwed in life -- Dream Act or not.

Some additional information I want you to know:

I've got this friend named David Rivera. Don't google him. If you're going to google a David, please google David Yurman or David Letterman or even, just googling the sculpture would work. Also, if we meet, I'm paying. I've got a credit card for stuff like this, and honestly, it's no sweat.

I typically spend my leisure time:

Football, good food, saving the Republican party.

The last book I read and enjoyed:

(E-Harmony note: For security purposes, we do not allow our members to divulge their last names in profiles).

Photo credits: Alex Conant and USA Today.