Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A 2016 poem

by C.P. Heinze (literary name of "Christian Heinze").

Hillary brings the artillery
Experience, gender, the economy
But questions will always persist
about her guy's views on monogamy.

Biden's a train wreck that smiles
A ship that just sunk on dry land
An alarm you forgot to turn off
Spam when you just wanted ham.

O'Malley is lefter than Che
Or, Right, if that wins him Ohio
Political Vogue, political Elle,
Whatever will keep him in style.

Cuomo's an ESTJ
A lion on Mars and an alpha
A beast and a bull in the ring
Who feeds on Italian alfalfa.

Warren dips into frenzies
Whenever she talks about banks
You wonder, muse, hypothesize
"Her teller once forgot to say 'thanks'?"

Patrick's a poor-man's Obama
A really poor-man's Obama
A super-duper poor man's Obama
Ke$ha compared to Madonna

Booker's precocious and gifted
Adroit, savvy, commercial
He'll run -- you can bank it and book it
The last thing he is is inertial.

Kirsten's a genuine darkhorse
Who knows how to sway with the wind
Gays, farmers, fat cats, non-profits
She'll always be your best friend

Warner, wait, who is Mark Warner?
Carolina, New York? No, Virginia!
Stick to the Senate, Mark Warner
Virginia will give you life tenure.

Schweitzer is larger-than-life
But his state only has, like, two people
He also is wed to The Bolo
Something bordering on evil.


Marco's the GOP's Moses
To lead them out from their panic
The cherry on top, the piece de resistance
Who just happens to be Hispanic.

Christie is brash and abrasive
Brusque -- all those Jersey essentials
But sinking his boat and bridging his moat
Is his lack of conservative credentials.

Rand's got the curls of Seth Rogen
Like his dad, but he's more optimistic
But within that veneer of a more respectable career
Is a guy who's just more opportunistic.

Jeb is a Bush so he's set
with the blessings that Bushes will get
The Beltway adores him, but then will destroy him
As Clinton beats him to death.

Jindal is struggling for traction
Windows 8 > his second term
He's smart and creative, but still bifurcated
Between pragmatic and firm.

Martinez is tough and decisive
Female, Hispanic, The Grail
Gender gap sliced, ethnic war iced
But let's face it, New Mexico's hell.

McDonnell is smooth as a crooner
Pirouetting, he almost seems magical
But Sinatra he's not, he's Robertson taught
And there was that thing that was "transvaginal."

Ryan's a chef of numerics
He sautes and presents them with garnish
But voters want heart (and more from Head Start)
And he ended his '12 somewhat tarnished.

Walker's got balls made of wurtzite
He took on the unions and won
But he's not photogenic, he's kind of dependent
On dividing father from son.

Nikki is ambitious as Rome
Her story and potential are gold
But she's impolitic, it's that same fighter shtick
That gets tiring and dreary and old.

Santorum pees passion and vision
In Iowa, yes, he was nifty
But America's changed, this home on the range
Ain't goin' back to the fifties.